Imperfections in Community

The month of October was a struggle for me. I could feel the negative energy of this campus weighing me down. It was frustrating navigating through the cynicism and hypocrisy on campus, but that’s something to be discussed in my journals. As much as I value vulnerability, I’d rather not publically display my internal struggles online. Obviously, that decision is based on my boundaries, but above all I am finally in a better state of mind, and I don't want writing about the weight of the negativity to bring me down. I wish I could give you a simple answer as to how I got to a better state of mind, but alas I do not have any answer to bestow on you.

There is great power in understanding the emotions that we feel, but sometimes we don't have to have an answer as to why we feel a certain emotion. Putting words to our emotions and looking at them through a rational lens is a supreme source of comfort. It is also a source of comfort to let our emotions be; emotions are irrational entities and we should honor that. The one feeling I could not simply “let be,” is the sense that there is not a strong sense of community here on campus. A strong campus community is one of the many factors that were important to me while applying to seminary. During a campus visit I felt a strong sense of community here, but now that I am here I don’t feel that strong sense of community that I do. Is it one of those the grass is greener on the other side things? Or is it that I feel that I’m not part of the community? Simply it couldn't be the latter option, especially with all the invites I receive.

Upon numerous discussions with people, I realized that there is a community on campus; it is just broken. Broken is a harsh word, but damaged is an even harsher word. I don't believe broken or damaged adequately describes the campus community, but there is something in the atmosphere that prohibits our campus community from being connected. Maybe this is the fact that I’m a junior (first year in grad school terms) but I believe there is distance among our student body. Naturally, I do not want the distance to exist. I think in order to lesson the amount of the distance we must be able to name why that distance exists.

 A month ago I would say it exists because there is tension between MFTs and MDivs, or that the MDivs are too emotional and don't have great emotional boundaries. (Referring to the MDivs only in my cohort.) Basically I would put blame on the MDivs and that’s not fair. Not only to the students who are in the MDiv program, but also me. I am above bad mouthing or generalizing a group of students. I should not allow the dichotomy of MFT vs. MDiv to exist. Placing blame and creating divisions gives way to great evil. Starting a sentence with, “I feel,” has the power for great healing. So, I FEEL that there is brokenness, in the sense that it is not perfect, among our campus community. Then I wonder, is brokenness such a bad thing?

Why do we associate brokenness with being a bad thing? To me, brokenness means not being whole, having imperfections. As much as we want to ignore the fact, people are broken. People are not whole and have imperfections. It is only naturally for communities to be broken because they are made up of broken people. In my mind, that is just sort of the flow of things. I mean how can we expect the Barones to be perfect if the family consists of imperfect people? And guess what, the Barones make it work despite their imperfection (well for most episodes, otherwise you’d get a boring sitcom.) Now I’m not saying that our human imperfects should be an excuse to put distance in the communities we are a part of; though we are limited that should never be an excuse to put limits on ourselves. We are more than we think we are. While the community on campus is imperfect and flawed, because it consists of imperfect and flawed individuals, that should not be an excuse for me to distance myself from that community.

However, in order for me to fully connect to that community, I wanted to understand where some of the imperfection originated. After a meaningful conversation, I discovered that the imperfection here on campus comes from the insensitivity to be mindful and present to people’s stories. For me, I was not mindful that I am not doing the same level of deconstruction that my cohort is doing. In seminary it is no brainer that students will grow spiritually; in a sense, students will deconstruction and reconstruct their theology. I already went through the deconstruction process. My undergrad is in social work at a liberal arts school and I did a year as a YAV is LA. Those experiences do not make me any better from people, but they do give me a holistic view.

I told my professor that my deconstruction process was not here; it was in LA. Well, at least the majority of my deconstruction process was last year. I’m open to having another deconstruction phase while I’m in seminary. I most likely will grow in seminary but probably grow differently from a lot of students that attend here.  I most likely will grow in ways I didn't know I needed to grow in (because that’s sort of a reality of life.) It does not matter if the how and when of my growth is different from my cohorts. Growth should not be compared to others, only your past self. If I am comparing the how and whens of my growth to others, then I am degrading the stories of others and myself. Humility comes when we are able to give meaning to our stories.